Everything's Wrong!

It's a conspiracy.
I love snow and winter and the outdoors. All that is right in front of the door here. And yet I'm sitting inside freezing. Freezing? When did this happen? How come I just sit and shiver? What happened with the freak going camping at -25 degrees Celsius and enjoying it?
My mind is playing tricks, longing for days spent in traffic, dust, pollution and heat. The days in Cairo, days of stress before embarking on a new and big adventure. That was only yesterday... or so it seems.
It's all wrong. I should be excited. I'm standing here with a new - maybe even bigger - adventure ahead of me: the return to "normal" life. I should be eager to plunge into it. But I'm in search for definitions and my memory is playing tricks on me.
My plan for today was to work on my resume to get ready and apply for jobs. I'm sorry, Maria and Spiros, I apologize to all of you out there whom I offend right now with these terrible words. But I had a plan and I was determined to follow it.

It all started well. I found a 5 years old resume of mine and I opened and read it.

All these acronyms - I don't know what they stand for anymore. And the big keywords that sound like accusations. Is this all about me? I try not to panic thinking that everybody goes through this from time to time.
I manage to copy and paste a paragraph twice. Then I change the dates delimiting the last 2 positions I had. I remember perfectly the years and approximately the months. And then it's all blank. BLANK. I'm staring at the screen trying to remember the name of a company I worked for. No clue.
I can remember well names and faces, I can remember moments and feelings related to them. Friends and people I worked with over the years. We went through good and stressful times. We started, supported and buried projects together. We had fun and learned together. Funny, how I can remember the people and never the projects and platforms and tools and details. Can I put those down in this resume ? Are the keywords more important than those? Darn. It's all wrong. And I'm close to freaking out.

I'm happy for the bunch of emails awaiting a reply and I plunge into email writing.
All these names and voices and faces coming to mind are pushing everything else back. Some of those I haven't seen/heard in years yet they are still very vivid in my memory. Why is it that I don't remember the rest ? Over the last year and a half I've enriched my memory with many many new names and faces. I have accumulated smiles and laughter, friendships and adventures and the only other acronym I can remember is TDA. And gradually I realize: it is a conspiracy. It's the conspiracy of memories.

What am I going to do ?

I take a break and turn to the icons. My kind of icons. James Nachtwey, Sebastiao Salgado, Steve McCurry. I go through pictures and photo essays I've looked at before. And I always go through the same feelings beside admiration and humbleness. There's a void in my stomach that no food or drink could ever fill. The humanity, suffering and beauty these images capture is crushing me. They are permanent reminders and "down-to-earth agents". Showing, pointing at how many things are wrong. And then the terrible news and images from Gaza are emphasizing it daily now. Why do things go this wrong?
Looking at these images makes me feel once again how superficial I am and my own images are. I wish I could capture images like those other than just in my mind and soul. All the faces and the struggling that I only see through these masters' lenses, they are so vivid and there's a depth and feeling in them beyond words.

My struggling with words? With keywords and acronyms? It becomes grotesque and my current status so ridiculously insignificant.
It becomes? No, it is.
But if I got to make so much fuss about it, then indeed everything's wrong with me. And I need to stand up and fight this conspiracy.